Friday, 23 January 2009


He has been distracted lately. The gnawing feeling has been urging him to do something about it. But until now, he has shrugged it off merely as an impulsive desire, just like the one that resulted in driving him into buying a Playstation 2 which he would barely touch a month later. But he has ignored it once too often and now he starts considering it for real.

He has been unwilling to act because he wants to spare himself from the unnecessary disappointments for jumping into things prematurely. At the same time, he is also aware that the only way to become a winner is to get into the game. Eventually, he decided to give himself a month to calm himself down before reconsidering things.

In Japanese, the word "heart" can be translated to either 心臓 or 心. The former refers to the organ that's in charge of pumping blood, while the latter deals with the emotions. When he said he wished he could remove his heart and keep it in a jar, he meant the latter one. And he knows which jar would serve the purpose well - the one he's currently using as a piggy bank.

Of course, he hopes there were other ways, say, flicking the switch off to turn off the longing thoughts. Switch, what switch? He couldn't find any.

So these days, he ends up assessing his odds when he ought to be reading the books; considering the worst case scenario when the impending exams demand to be given more attention. Then he discovered that with enough time and effort, he could convince himself into believing almost anything. That he may stand a chance after all; that conveying his thoughts matters more than seeking after a reciprocal answer. He has even gone as far as mentally rehearsing the confession.

Hell no. Just not yet. Keeping his own promise is the least he can do. He would decide only later, hopefully with a clearer head.