A Testimonial for Myself

Inspired by Yap's biodata on Blogger, I'm writing a testimonial for myself, to vouch for, well, myself during job interviews. Here goes:

This is an ordinary guy who refuses to stay ordinary. He believes the cosmos has grander plans for him. But whatever his calling is, it has not yet been revealed to him. Sometimes, he looks into the night sky and feels being part of it. We were, after all, born from the stars, weren't we?

He is pretty much a paranoid conspiracist. He suspects there is some unscrupulous individual collecting DNA from his used disposable chopsticks to build a clone army for world domination. He also firmly believes there is the necessity to maintain anonymous. On the internet, he goes by his secret codename. It makes him feel secured, and more than that, enigmatic.

When he is free, he blogs. When he is not free, he blogs too. He does it whenever he is in the mood. Sometimes, he propagates his biased views. But with just a handful of readers, he doubts he could possibly change the world. So other times, he talks about himself instead. He hopes one day someone would make a film about the brief wondrous highlights of his life.

Occasionally, women come beating at his door. However, as much as he wishes they were hot babes looking for his autograph, they are but old ladies wanting to tell him about Jesus. Well, at least they care about the wellbeing of his soul though.

If there is such a thing as a fundamentalist atheist, he is halfway there. He finds it frustrating to be unable to grasp the concept of god and he sees no reason to spell it with a big "G". Often, he does not restrain himself from making offensive remarks about the big guy. If there were such a place as "hell", he would doubtlessly be going to spend his afterlife there.

He reads an average of two books a month. They are mostly fiction. He prefers particular authors to others. He attempted reading the bible a couple of times but could not as much as finish the first chapter of Genesis. He will continue again, one day.

He loves his camera as much as he loves his books. He calls her Casey. They spend most of their weekends together, going places, seeing things, doing stuff. He loves his bike too, and enjoys riding her.

He is single but unavailable. His previous relationship was so brief that it left not much for him to grieve. In spite of that, he found it hard to pick up the pieces. But eventually, he convinced himself that remaining non-committed is probably in his best interest. He may get back into the game soon, although he still holds certain reservations.

He would like to rear a dog because dogs are perfect babe magnets. If only he could afford feeding two mouths. And if only dogs were like cacti, which only need to be watered once every few years.

He keeps a mental list of people he dislikes. There is even a demerit system for those who piss him off. Worry not, though. He has no plans of hiring a hitman to go after them. During the rare occasions when he feels forgiving, you could literally pour hot coffee on his genitals and yet get nothing more than a shrug.

Ever since he was struck in his head by a stray meteorite, he has become a little loose in his wirings. He keeps a soldering iron in his pocket just in case a wire should come off. But the that is just one of those convenient tools that he carries with him. For he has a screwdriver as well. You will never know when you come across assholes who could use some screwing up.

Despite his corkiness, he is open to criticism. You can always forward your death threats to his email address. Just make sure you don't leave tracks which could be traced back to you, though. But more than anything, he prefers fan mail.